Father of mine

 I've contiplated writing this many times and I'll be saving it when I'm done before I post just to be sure. Please excuse the fact that will probably be jumpy and LONG. But it's one of the biggest stories of my life. I wanted to write about a journey I had a few years back, that shook my whole world and left me closer to my father than ever before.  

 When I was 10 years old I remember my mom asking me to come sit outside and talk to her, I had NO CLUE what was coming.... She continued to tell me that the man I had grown to know as my father was in fact NOT my biological dad. I can't tell you all the details from that day cause I honestly don't remember them. What I do remember is being so overcome with questions and instability that it has taken me over 20 years to be completely OK with myself, my story, and my father. 

I was a good teenager in my opinion:) didn't get into trouble, didn't party, do drugs, drink or hang with people that did. I had crushes and LOTS of them, but growing up in a Christian home and attending 12 years at a private small town Christian school kept me in a bubble of protection and grace. Obviously I wasn't perfect and I kissed the boys and held their hands and I LONGED  for affection and attention. By the time I was in HS I barely talked with my parents outside of the bare minimum " hi, how are you, how was your day, did you win the game?" We were two ships passing in the wind... And I knew i was lost, looking for love and a mans affection.  I say all this because I KNOW it matters. Every younge women, little girl, teen, needs a Godly man in her life to validate her, lift her up, protect her and teach her what a respectful man looks like. 

Somehow, (by Gods grace alone) I fell in love with and married my HS sweet heart. He's a godly man who loves me and the family we have created. He is the definition of the father I could only dream of for our daughters and sons. 

Throughout the years of my life dreamt and wrote letters and considered what my biological father would be like, look like, act like. Did he know me? Did he miss me? Did he look for me? Questions I never felt like I had the freedom to ask growing up and it left me with a huge open whole! A big part of me was missing answers and with each child I had the privilege of birthing I felt like those questions grew and grew. Do they look like Him? Is he tall? Is he healthy?   

I was given His name and rough age range by my mother as the years had gone on, so every other year or so I would try an online search or call system that always got me to a page where I had to pay money to go further, money I didn't have and didn't want to spend on the unknown. 

December 2009, I realize in a random thought that Facebook is where people reconnect all the time!! It's how families stay connected and people stay in contact. So I had my mom look, find, and write a message to the man behind the story. 

-SHE FOUND HIM

-HE DIDNT RESPOND

- my dreams were crushed!!

Then it accured to me, maybe he doesn't get on Facebook very often, maybe he's married or has kids that do? I found this said wife, and messaged her, less than 10 min later I received a message back! 

- HOLY FREEK OUT MOMENT!!

- HE WAS REAL! 

She asked if they could call and talk ? I thought I was gana have a panic attack, I'm not sure I didn't have one. I responded and he called! We talked for over an hour, he answered every question I ever had, he told me about his life and how absolutely different it was from the home God had given me. I realized then that the Lord had placed me right where I belonged! That His plans were so much higher than my plans. 

Bio dad and I made the best out of a very long and distant relationship and for three years we called, texted, face-booked, and made plans for a face to face visit . But in those three years I also learned more about my life, my bio dad, my mom, and my father here in my life. I came to respect the decisions he had made for me, the things He did to fight for me, and thanked the Lord for placing me with my family dispite the loss I felt for so long. 

Last spring exactly a year ago, bio dad called and said he was coming! Bought his plain ticket and this was going to happen. 

- PANICK AGAIN

- IM NOT READY FOR THIS! 

But even through my fears I knew God was with me, my husband was beside me, and God had a plan. I trusted Him and prayed everyday for His peace to overwhelm me. I had decided that this was a make or brake point in our relationship and in my life. Being torn between respecting and learning to love a man who gave me life vs a man who raised me and gave me a home. I couldnt help but constantly feel torn between the two. 

The week of bio dads arrival we confirmed his reservations at a near by b&b and our plans to get to know each other then introduce my family and friends. We had a PLAN. 

The Morning of the event he doesn't get on his plain, he doesn't text, he doesn't call, he doesn't explain, he doesn't COME! 

I've not heard from Him once, no explanation, BUT..... I have what I need. My family, my father, and MOST of all I have and always have had my HEAVENLY FATHER! He never abandoned me, He never left me, He was always there, always had me surrounded with faithful friends and family. He placed me in a godly home, in a godly school, with a godly man. 

So many crazy things have happened in my life and my parents are not married anymore I have other siblings and Inlaws, and step parents. I've gained and lost someone I always thought I needed only to realize everything and everyone I ever needed I ALREADY HAD! 

I was hurt, I cried a little, being abandoned as a child and again as an adult hurt, but I was never alone. And eithe rare you! 

I don't know who this might reach or if anyone but me needed to read it, but God knows who we are, what we need, where we will go and how to get us there. He will never leave you or forsake you! Lean on Him, trust Him, and know He will make the path straight, He will make a way. 

My kids were saved from the pain of this loss and experience because the Lord had me keep them seperate from it from day one. I've learned to hear His voice on my families behalf and to trust He sees more than I do.  Be blessed today and for always-